Mike Newton Shenanigans
by pleasebiteme
Summary: Mike gets himself into all sorts of crap. Or I do it for him...whichever. A story all about the ridiculous world of Mike Newton. Rated T for language/safety.
1. Imprintation

**Okay, so basically...**

**Once this idea hit me, I couldn't turn it down. I just love Mike Newton. He's the perfect AU Fucked Up Story character.**

**I'm not sure if all the chapters will connect yet...but probably not. **

**Random Mike tidbits, I guess.**

**Very odd couples, I will warn you,**

**but it shall forever remain EXB, AXJ, EXR & CXE... so yeah. just...yeah. **

**You'd have to read it...So do so now! :D**

**Have fun with my stupid concotion of stupidity, yo.**

_Previously on StupidFanfiction_

_Jessica gets killed by bees._

_Jake "imprints"._

**MIKE POV!**

It seems all I do these days is slump around. Can anyone blame me, though? Edward gets Bella, Ben gets Angela, Tyler has Lauren, and Jessica is dead. I is all alone…

And not only does Bella get Edward, but she gets Jacob Black too, if she really wanted him. Why does she get two possible soul mates when I only get none? Where, oh where, has all balance in the world gone?

_Plus, Edward technically got all the looks as well as the girl, where as you, Mike…didn't. _

Shuddup.

**BELLA POV!**

Edward and I were sitting in my kitchen, him on a chair and myself on him. When the phone rang, I was almost positive I would turn around and see Edward already speaking to someone. This time, he courteously waited for me to answer it. Hm.

I glanced at the caller ID to see that Jacob was calling. I answered, and he seemed to already be talking. Edward was grinning from ear to ear. Whatever news this kid couldn't get out at human speed was good.

"Jake!" I interrupted. "_What_?"

"It's happened, Bella!"

I glanced over at Edward and he nodded, his grin seemed to have grown even wider. I tried to figure it out, but somehow I couldn't.

"I imprinted!"

I gaped. "On who?"

There was a small silence. "That's not important."

"Jacob," I said sternly.

He mumbled something, but I couldn't understand him.

"Spit it out, Jake!"

"Embry! Okay?" he exclaimed. "Embry."

At first, I couldn't think of what to say. I went with, "That's great, Jake!"

"Really?"

"Of course. I'm so happy for you."

We said goodbye, and Edward seemed to be speaking before I even put the phone on the hook. What is it with that?

"He's stuck with Embry, now," he said with a smile in his voice. "And he'll leave us alone…"

I thought about that for a moment, and then grinned. Very true.

**MIKE POV!**

Working the store after school was a never-ending task. People never came in, we never sold anything, and I still had to stay there the entire time and stare out at all the sleeping bags that probably date back to 1983. It was torturous. I was in the midst of playing with the cash register when the bell on the door rang, indicating a customer.

Then I looked up. He was so **_fierce_**.

**JACOB POV! **

As soon as I set eyes on the kid working the counter, I felt the whole place move. I couldn't understand it. I wanted to throw myself in front of a moving bullet for him… which wouldn't be a problem, since there were plenty of guns and a bullet would barely scratch me in the long run, since I'm basically indestructible and all. But anyway…

This made no sense. I had already imprinted on Embry. I knew I had. What was happening?

I decided that my best bet would be to get out of there as soon as possible. I could do without my heavy-duty flashlight.

I got in the Rabbit and drove, to my surprise, as well, to Bella's house. I knew that my father would know much more about this, considering Bella wouldn't know anything at all, but I felt I had to.

I walked up the steps to her door and rang the doorbell. I realized much too late whom she would be with. Charlie wasn't home, so of course he would be there.

Whatever. I could deal with him today.

She opened the door and smiled at me. "Hey."

"Hi," I answered. "Uh…do you think I could come in?"

"Of course." She stepped aside and let me enter. Sure enough, Edward was sitting on the couch. He nodded in greeting and I did the same.

I ended up telling both of them my dilemma, and I was furious to see that the vampire was chuckling. Ass.

"What?" I said, trying to sound tough….

"Well, obviously, you didn't imprint on Embry, because judging by the way you described your attraction to," he paused to cough-laugh, "Mike Newton, it's much stronger."

"So?" Where was he going with this?

"So, you were just turned on by Embry…"

Oh. I hate it when leeches know everything.

**There's chapter one, for ya.**

**More is coming, I promise.**

**There's so much ridiculous crap to be done...**

**I shall never tire of it. :o)**

**So please reviewwwww & if you have any uncomfortable situations you want me to stick Mike in...**

**Let me know!**


	2. Squishy Fun

**Disclaimer: I own nothing but the elf. Sort of.**

Yesterday was so eventful. Jacob Black fell into a mysterious hole in the middle of some random elf's house. The elf fell in, also. It was so weird, cuz I didn't even know elves were so bitchy. My dearest Jakey-Poo and I were wandering an abandoned apartment building (though there were people all over the place) and when we walked in, (the sign on the door said "welcome!" so we figured that referred to werewolves and douche bags) and said elf hit us with a watermelon! How very rude.

I sat in the car on my way to a very sacred place. I had my swim trunks on and everything.

Traffic was terrible. I waited in a huge line of vehicles (not as nice as mine, of course) for about a half an hour. It was ridiculous.

Finally, I saw it. The beautiful pool. I went to register and got in line. A bunch of kids scattered around me and began their excited shrieking. I joined in. It truly was exciting.

They announced my name and I got the jittery feeling that my name was probably on 106.1 FM radio. I was famous!

I climbed the small ladder and sat in sliding position. I slid down and soon felt the squishy sensation of gallons and gallons of red jello. I sat there for a moment grinning. I was the happiest person alive. The nice fire man told me it was time to get out and I walked over to the small pool's ladder as best as I could. It wasn't easy to navigate through….

I needed to do that again. And so, I got in line again, and again, and again. Eventually, they stopped letting me go on and I went to the fire hose to wash off. It was freezing and I could barely stay in it for a second. I washed myself off after about ten minutes of jumping in and out of the shooting water.

I went back to my car and retrieved my towel. Then I saw a table full of food. It seemed that everything else around was free, so I asked the man for a plate of French fries. He gave them to me and as I was about to walk away he told me that I owed him two dollars. This I wasn't expecting. "They weren't free?" I asked through a mouthful.

The man heaved a sigh and said, "no," and then gestured for me to walk away. That was nice.

I got in my car soon after and began to drive away. I hit a plastic man on the way out of the parking lot.

What an exciting experience. If only Jacob were here to witness my rise to manhood.

**The first paragraph probably didn't make sense to anyone but me and my friend Jill.**

**So there's this girl that resembles an elf and we plan on throwing both her and Jacob into a hole, **

**So that's that. **

**I did, in fact, slide into a pool full of jello. Only once, and I did not do it nearly as amusingly as M-Newtz,**

**but yeah.**

**The french fry thing happened too, I felt really bad. **

**So please review! (: I plan on updating other things, too, that shall take time while I sort my brain out. Even I lost track of everything, lol.**

**;D**


End file.
